Surrender

From May 3, 2015
 

I'm sitting alone in a rented suite in Asheville on a Saturday night.  I will begin Yoga Teacher Training Monday, May 4.  My goal is to deepen my yoga practice, to deepen my experience of life, to deepen me - to live in the present moment more fully.  It's not about standing on my head or contorting myself into some human pretzel.  It's about standing firm in my life with an open heart and becoming love and sharing that love.  It's about tapping into the stillness beneath the turbulence and haze and inviting that Witness (Sakshi) within me to emerge.  The Witness is known by other names:  observer, eyewitness, Supreme Being, Pure Awareness.  It is that part of us that sees all the commotion but is unaffected.  It's all knowing, non-judging and pure love.  

And here with this blog, I will bear witness.  I will be the bare witness.  Raw and real.  Testifying.  Revealing.  Offering hope for all of us.    

I used to say that I wish I could take 28 days out of life, like an addict trying to recover,  to reconnect with my innermost self so that I could leave the "treatment center" with a more integrated me.  Life has a way of fragmenting and we rarely have time to defragment and become an integrated whole.  The inbox keeps getting full and there seems to not be enough time to empty it or give each item it's due.  Or it seems the noise keeps us from feeling our wholeness, experiencing the Witness.  We go through the motions with an ache that something is missing.  

I'm taking that time now.  I'm 52 and the stars lined up to make this all possible.  It was a matter of the old way of living leaving much to be desired combined with an auto accident settlement that gave me enough money to buy enough time to do this.  I quit my job and took my retirement and paid off my debt.  When is the right time to go to yoga teacher training?  When you can.  For me, that is now.  

In graduate school over 25 years ago, I wrote a paper suggesting that we should all be in recovery like addicts.  My point was we should all be recovering our humanity.  Many years have passed since that time and I believe it to be true and more necessary now more than ever.  I am in recovery - recovering the real me.  It's a journey that began a long time ago and the many ways I have connected with the authentic me is by running, cycling, writing, photography and now yoga.   

I have committed to live in such a way that I am always connected with my higher self.  I quit my job with the state, took my retirement money and paid off $34,000 worth of debt.  I now am worth more financially, than I owe.  Finally.  How does one amass such debt?  And let me tell you, that's a lot of debt for someone whose yearly income has not exceeded that level.  Credit cards make it easy.  Sometimes survival.  Sometimes distraction.  So, in January of this year, I drew the line in the sand.  Screamed "No More" to the universe, mostly to myself.  I changed my life and quit a job that was going nowhere but leading to more debt as I bought more distractions in order to remain on the misery go round.  I am now on a more honest and genuine path.  If I can't afford it, I won't get it - whatever it is.  The old debts are paid.  

Now the journey is inward, to set right any karmic debts with my soul and the universe.  In keeping with the recovery analogy, I will make any amends necessary and I will make and keep conscious contact with my Higher Power.  

So on Monday, May 4, I will pick up my proverbial, albeit symbolic, white chip of recovery - the universal symbol of surrender.  I'm so grateful for this journey.  I will no doubt be out of my comfort zone from time to time, but that is where the growth happens.  I've never really liked the comfort zone.  I'm a newcomer with the faith of a beginner.  I surrender…    

May 2015